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When it comes to dating etiquette, there’s one question that seems to cause more anxiety than most: Who pays for the first date?
Dating experts believe there’s a clear answer for heterosexual couples.
“Men should pay for the first date,” says men’s dating coach Brian Anderson.
Online dating coach Erika Ettin agrees.
“I advise my male clients to pay, and my female clients to quote,” says Ettin’s founder. a little push. Etting adds that men should politely decline the offer – unless the woman insists, in which case the man should accept.
Etiquette “shouldn’t be that complicated,” she said.
Public opinion more or less agrees with what dating experts are saying.According to a recent NerdWallet survey, a majority of Americans (72%) think men should pay for first dates poll. According to a recent Self-Finance report, approximately 68% of adults worry about their finances when setting up a date, and 69% say they feel uncomfortable going on a date because it’s expensive. polling.
Regardless of who pays, the average first date pays is $77, according to LendingTree poll. LendingTree found that men spent an average of $861 on dates in 2019, while women spent an average of $500.
“Plan something that’s within your budget,” says founder Anderson. Brian Dating.
“If you’re worried about cost, then the date you’re planning is too expensive,” Anderson adds. Feeling the need to go to a nice dinner to impress your date means “you’re approaching your date in the wrong way,” she said.
Why dating experts think men should pay
Damir Kudik | Electronic+ | Getty Images
Carli Blau, a couples and dating therapist, says that historically, men have been expected to shoulder the cost due to their traditional role as the breadwinner of the family and women as caregivers of children.
Blau, the company’s founder, said that despite huge changes in society, men may still subconsciously view the need to pay as a sign of financial security. Boutique Psychotherapy.
In fact, according to a NerdWallet poll, men are more likely than women to think they should pay for a first date, 78% compared to 68%.
Supporters of men footing the bill sometimes point to persistent financial factors, such as the persistent gender pay gap, as key reasons.
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But dating experts often use a different logic: The person asking for a date should usually entertain — and that’s usually the man in American society, Etting says.
The same calculation applies to same-sex couples, she said: Whoever makes the request should pull out their wallet.
“I think it’s not a question of ‘This guy should pay for this,’ but who is pursuing who?” Blau said.
One survey showed that among heterosexual couples, 53% of men said they had asked for a first date, compared with 15% of women. polling Courtesy of the Family Institute.
Blau added that people pursuing romantic interests and choosing a date location can expect to pay.
Edin said this means that if a woman asks a man out, she should be prepared to pay. However, she advises men to still be prepared to pay out of pocket.
There are also romantic strategies here, Anderson says: Paying the bills gives a man “the best chance of getting on a second date, if he likes her.”
Yes, that’s the traditional expectation — but it’s also a nice gesture, she adds.
Etting said the recommendations did not violate the ideals of equality and feminism.
“We still want that,” she said. “But sometimes it feels good to be treated well.”
“I do believe that equality, feminism and chivalry can exist at the same time,” Etting said.
When to split the bill
Additionally, Edin says, splitting the bill feels “extremely tacky and friend zone-y.”
She suggests that women who are interested in a second date can suggest a next date.
Experts say women shouldn’t be offended if a man accepts it.
“Don’t call a friend or me as a therapist and then complain after they accept you,” Blau says.
“In this place of equality, women want to be treated equally – and we should – and if we go and pay, it might also be considered disrespectful if a man says, ‘No, I’ll take care of it.'” And then it’s It becomes a power dynamic,” she added.
If you’re worried about cost, then the date you’re planning will cost too much.
Brian Anderson
dating coach
Some women may feel the need to split the costs if they know they no longer want to date. However, there is some disagreement among experts about this ritual.
“I don’t think it’s a requirement,” Anderson said, but it would be polite to offer to pay in this situation.
However, Edin doesn’t think compensation should be tied to how successful the date goes.
“All you owe them is a thank you,” she said. “That’s it. Sincere thanks.”
